( no one needs to know this. )all my secrets. i just needed to write them out. i'm just going to spill them out on some chat forum on the internet for all my anonomyous friends to read.

1. i stole peanut butter, two bagels, a white roll, a pack of chorizo and two sticks of pepperami from my friend's house.

2. i stole £30 of one of my best friends.

3. i stole a gram of matt when he was fucked.

4. i stole £40 off my parents.

5. i took an mp3 player from my mom's room and sold it for a £10.

6. I stole thomas's blunt wraps, but i told him about it.

7. i stole a stud from my friends house.

8. i stole a necklace from h&m.

9. i stole purple eyeshadows, rimmel recover, liquid eyeliner and prestige colour liquid eyeliner.

10. i cheated on jb with jim.

11. i stole my friend's gold earrings and sold them for a tenner.

12. i took £1.10 out of my best friend's purse.

13. i took £2.70 out of lb's purse when i pretended to count her change.

14. i stole £20 off one of my best boys when i was fucked.

15. i lied to the boy i love's face when he asked me where his wrap had gone.

16. i lied to my tutor about the doctors, counselling, dental appointments.

17. i faked sick when i couldn't be fucked to go my lesson.

18. i pretended i had my theory test to sign out.

19. i said i'd pay connie back and i didn't, i can't.

20; i stole three bottles of wine and two bottles of beer from my workplace.

21. i take money out of my parents pockets.

22. at dour i stole ten euros off tris.

23, i stole 50p off a friend.

24. i lied about what i ate today to my mom. i ate so much yet she thinks i only ate an apple.

25. i lied that i didn't take a line out that wrap. then i paid them back. with the money i'd stolen out of their purse in the first place.

26, no one needs to know that i stil love oscar. i can't even remember love.

27. no one needs to know that i love matt. it's impossible to love someone's brain and their face.

28. i lied to my boyfriend by saying that i'd given him the money for the pills when i hadn't.

29. he wasn't my boyfriend.

30. i lied to my parents saying that i went to london, to the philosophers fair, la tasca, the fez, the cinema, frankie&bennys, teri aki...all to get money.

31. i attempted to steal £20 of lb, but i put it back in her purse.

32. i stole a bottle of wine from marks and spencers.

33. there was a tenner lying on the counter at the one-stop that i claimed was mine,

34. i pretended i was staying at lb's when i really crashed in a pub in ely.

35. on new years i went to a rave in hackney, and i didn't stay at my friend's sister's flat.

36. i lied pretending i was gay. maybe i am. perhaps bi.

37. when my friend left her baccy with me i took half of it.

38. i stole two cigaretttes out of someone's box at work.

39. i stole lovehearts, pasta salad, refreshers, lollipops, skittle and soft mints from tescos.

40. i stole food from the one-stop.

41. i stole moaom from the co-op.

42. i took tobacco from my mom's drawer.

43. i binged at jb's house.

44. i tried to steal a tenner off gee.

45. i lied to amy about not having enough money to come and see her.

there's so much more, but nothing else. 

hang up my emotions with the noose of reality twisting rainbow charms around my neck, with full moon blazing and sunshine trapped
 
in a birdcage, tomorrow's eyes are peeping through the unspoken words tip-toeing off the sunshine through my window, tangled

fingers in your hair and dusty wishes struck by moonlight, full moon, empty, green, cheese and story-telling sorry lies above the

windowpane, the pain of beauty fell down as soft as snowflakes, they're going to break and evaporate into the rings of despair, where

crimson roses fall in horse shoe rings etched in frozen pathways, with crystal dewdrops decorating smoking atmospheres, lock the

treasure chest. rip out my feelings and spin them through the air on lazy springtime breezes and baby pink blossoms floating on

deception, pick me up and thread me through the lines of past mistakes and stick yourself through the letter box to my mind where

you'll past description and envelope me in devastation, to whirl me round in hurricanes that tear our hands apart and cross our lovers

hearts, i looked at you and we looked backwards and we sliced through the night on silver secrets, drifting through my dreamcatcher

and away from me forever.

it's kaden's birthday today. and i've not left the house since i got in this afternoon.
such awful, broken, binges. began with two packets of crisps and by midnight i've eaten a box of cereal, a loaf and a half of bread, half a baguette, a 1/4 of a cake, three crumpets, six pitta, some salad, 8 slices of cheese, five cereal bars, six petit filou, some biscuits, flora, four apples, a banana, some pineapple, two bowls of bran flakes and some potatoes. over the course of about 8 hours. with a purge every hour or so.
then i saw a picture of someone who died, and they're stomach looked like mine gets. i cried.
i cried yelling at my dad.
i walked arund absolutely smashed last night. i crashed out hard. i ffeel like smashing my head against the wall. i feel like breaking my fingers so i'm never tempted to purge again.
i feel fat.
i am fat.
my internet connections making my download skip.
guibbon moon. 94%
i wish i could die. 73%
ketamine intake today: none.
over the course of the week...6grams.
one bottle of white wine last night.
so much food this week. so much of it DIGESTED.
i never want to see cheese again.
my butt hurts.
i need to stop opening wounds and making new ones.
i need to stop everything.
start again.

today was SHIT.
actually everything has been SHIT, there have been no lengthly fasts, no ketamine binges, no skinny feeling days, no organization, fml fml fml fml.
accusations everywhere.
frankie's back tomorrow, i need to find him some special.
placebo.
shit.
fml. over and over again, and then in the ass, FUCK THE WORLD.
oh for fucks sake. my arms are infected. i shall move onto my legs.
why did i do that.

what happened today? i had a god awful b/p this morning. then had nothing until about 12.45, had a lollipop. then some skittles, then a go ahead bar, then a sausage roll and a pack of lovehearts and i went and purged during english. then came home and have just been binging my face off, i'm so tired but i have so much work to do and i should do some exercise and i need to purge, PROPERLY all out, everything is my fault.
blades. bazz up the jizzy fizzy pop kat, i want a fucking line of k.

my mom had a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmoungoooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuussss go at me this morning about my eating. why do you eat everything ra ra ra and then just flush it straight down the toilet it's such a fucking waste we're spending £200 a week on fucking food for you to purge you're disguting why can't you just be normal.

so i consumed 500 calories of liquid and a lollipop. fuck you bitch. if i don't eat solid food tomorrow i'll be properly happy.

well  haven't binged. or purged. or aaaah i'm so sleepy. i remember being empty earlier and finding it so strange. so so strange. in a nice way.

my brother's bought me some skittles. but i want some more apple juice. what the fuck man, i've always hated juice. why am i drinking it now?

friday. friday. friday. i had a cup of coffee. then another. then another. home, college white, machine.
then we did photographing.
oh ya. i bought some soup and threw it away (:
we drove and drove. and got to an abandoned house.
i had to walk through the snow on k.
it was creepy.
and then i drank half a bottle of white wine.
maybe more.
slightly tipsy.
so cold.
stilletoes, mayhem skirt, josh's shirt, catfish coat, the nicest disel sweater dress ever, uhmmmm...i don't even know.
COLD.
ate for the first time the whole day at about 6ish. greek salad. i was craving salt. i ate some pizza. then another slice. then another. then i purged. and had a chocolate cocktail.
downhill stumble. dolly mixture, dolly mixture, crisps, crisps, kit kat chunky, lovehearts, pitta? crumpets? usual home binge. quick tho. then showered, purged, went to meet brad to get some molly.
it was showery.
i went on a bus to chris' house. i think i fancy chris. i know i hate catherine and dwain, and i know i don't want to be friends with nadim because he doesn't seem to intepret it in that way.
i bombed. i had gin and diet coke. i saw everyone, even people i didn't want to see. i went upstairs and hid. i smoked by myself and went to find george. i borrowed a fiver and a card and did another line, then another, one with rosie. i noticed chris. i got too hot.
nothing,
nothing,
nothing.
a cup of black coffee with two sugars, about 2pm. gin and orange. a sip of vodka. tipsy. a lollipop.
home.
binge.
purge.
pimms and diet coke. vodka and 7up. vodka shot, vodka shot, vodka shot. vodka and 7up. white wine. stella.
crash.
woke up.
cherrios.
food food food. two cheese and mushroom toasties? i don't even know.
violent purge.
work.
potato wedges, salad, pizza, apple juice.
purge.
finished work.
salad, wedges, chicken strips, ice cream, ice cream, crisps, crisps, burrito, milkshake, purge.
ate again downstairs.
purge.
dinner.
puurge.
crashed.

today my legs felt skinnier.
life is a piss take.
what did i do today?
i woke up, and revised, and binged on a box of cheerios, and pitta and toast and crumpets. i purged quick. and ran to college. and after my exam ate:
a go ahead bar and two packs of lovehearts.
on the way home ate some of those cable things.
then binged at 6.15pm when i got home.

i don't understand.
i don't want to binge,
but i do.
i didn't take prozac this morning.
i will tomorrow.

everything tomorrow.
fast tomorrow (:
the coffee fast is going to be good.
yes,
x.

Some guy i used to be friends with ate bacon with maple syrup, every fecking morning. We were in Tennessee however.

ok, ok, so i wrote an exm this morning. i had a cup of black coffee with a sweetner in it, no, two. it was plus/minus the worst mistake i've had in a while. i had to pee SO bad in the exam but luckily cos it was biology it was only short answers. aaaah well.
i tried to resist. so hard.
i got a cup of tea.
then a pack of mints (180cal) and ate about 3 soooooooooo...20/30cal? then nutting, nutting, nutting, then a FUCKING go-ahead bar, a pack of lovehearts, a strawberry daquiri and some pina colada. then a pack of soft mints. then a corner of k.
ahwell.
then another pack of lovehearts and some green tea.
i purged up what i'd eaten. it made me SO hungry. i was empty tho. but i wasn't empty i need a drink empty i was empty i want to binge my nut off empty.
so i got home att 4.10pm and ate:
cup of mushroom soup.
6 pitta.
6 slices bread.
two slices of cheese.
small block of st. agur cheese.
five crumpets.
half a chocolate cake.
six cereal bars.
lemon slices.
EWWWWWWWW.
PURGE.
GLASS OF RED WINE.

then we went to a fucking buffet for my brother's birthday. who takes their severly bulimia i can't stop bingeing/purging/fasting/nibbling/purgin/drug abusing daughter to an all-you-can eat buffet.
i'm so selfish.
i ate sushi.
a cocktail.
i was full.
i kept eating. three plates of::::::::::::
chips,
spring rolls,
mushroom and peppers stir fry,
sweet and sour chicken,
prawn seasame toast,
chicken fry balls, 
steamed vegetables,
toffee banana,
ice cream,
two slices of carrot cake,
i didn't even WANT IT.

then at home, a box of special k, milk, bread, soup, crackers, biscuits, houmous.
i h a t e m y s e l f a n d m y s t u p i d i t y.
self control, are you out there?
i wish i were
WASTED. 

in here.
out of me.
down the bowl.
under the knowings.

earlier when i was doing so well, i ate some lovehearts. and another packet. and then i wanted something sweet. ir ealized a can of diet coke would probably have sorted me out fine. but noooo. i had to go and eat country slices, and another. and crumpets. four? porbably about a loaf of bread today. baked beans. super noodles. a baguette. half another french stick. seven pitta. pack of cream crackers. three bowls of museli. bowl of rice krispies. bowl of weetabix. yogurt. four petit filous. biscuits. butter. carrots. celery. humous. SO much soup. like a box of it. hot chocolate. ewwwwwwwww.
uhm.
jackshit clue what else, apart from stir fry.
it's all come up. don't you worry.
and i'm 40 minutes into my fast.
aren't i FANTASTIC.
god katherine. i hope you die.

last night was soooo gross. so much soup, so many carbs, i felt so disgustingly FAT and bloated, and it didn't help to get on the scale and see it read 57kgs. FUCKING HELL. that's like a 2kilo gain in a tiny bit of time. i was nearly 53 the other day ):
ketamine a medication and now i have prozac.
aaaaaah.
so today i've had a cup of green tea, a k bar (88cal) and a cup or normal tea (60? 70?)
there's money, there's me, there's no parents.
there's an exam tomorrow.
i think i'll finish this tea, smoke? do some more revision. then walk somewhere, maybe get some...sweeties? or another box of green tea? i need to have done at least 5 more chapters of revision.
fuck.
today is such a deciding day.
fidget bitch.

i've got prozac.
i had a cup of green tea.
i felt too fat to leave the house today.
i crazy need some k.
anyways.
no idon't.
then i had a go ahead bar. a pack of prawn cocktail spirals. pack of mccoys. cheese and ham baguette. chips and meatballs. doughnut. wispa bar. cappacino. i don't what possessed me. i felt posessed and disgusting. such a yuuucky purge. but i felt sort of good after.
then i ate some skittles.
go ahead bar.
two packs of lovehearts.
green tea.
i even puked that when i got home.
went to talk to the doctor. i sounded self-obsessed. he told me i was addicted. he gave me a referral and a prescription.
oh god i'm so scared ):
too be honest.
i got home and ate french bread, bread, soup, soup, crackers, pitta, mango chutney, special k bars x2, frostie bar. more pitta.
PURGE.
stew. curry, dahl, frnch bread, poppadoms, mango chutney, apple, tea, lemon slice, ginger bread biscuits.
PURGE.
soup, bread, pitta, dahl, stew, lemon slices, biscuits, milk, now a box of special k.
make me go away.
ir ealized w/o this i'd be fine.

it's everywhere.
i told my dad. sort of.
i'm back to write. i find it helps. it promotes control.
this past holiday has been bad. i've spent, and fasted, and pumped myself full of drugs, and smoked and snorted and binged and purged and puked anyways and UGH. i should detox but i can't be asssed.
today i was so scared of bingeing. i'm SCARED of bingeing. aaah. it's because i know i've gotten fat. i didn't eat until normal lunchtime, 12.40, just a cup of tea with sweetner.
then 72 x 4 in go ahead bars = 288.
pohm bears = 100.
skittles = 222.
tea = 60?
apple = 80.
qauvers = 180.
930 calories. WOAHHH. that's disgusting. i purged it up as best i could.
then i had two packs of lovehears.
then a pack of spirals. then i got home and had four pitta, french bread, four slices of bread, a crumpet, two bowls of cereal, soup and double soup, two cereal bars, two packets of super noodles.
purged midway. should go again soon.
ugh.
they know.
i know.
do i?
i don't know.
4.20pm: doctors.
gashcore.
x.

ugh. UGH. uggggh. three bowls of cheerios. cream crackers, soup. dinner soup. french bread. flapjack. pitta and houmous? crumpets. it's all the same, all the time. yuck yuck yuck. super noodles. incessant purge. town.
light headed. munched on cables and got a frappacino, but threw up at katies as i felt really full. then i had a cereal bar at home. then i resisted for about 2 hours at jennies thing. oh if only i hadn't i would have been so skinny today ): french bread, brie, pork, crackers, loads of french bread, cupcakes, eclairs and lemon meringues. you?
two point five squillion smirnoff ices, vodka and coke, double vodka and coke and half a gram of k.
then nothing,
nothing,
nothing,
nooothing,
connies. taxi. lock up. ket. md. ket. spliff. sip, sip, sip, water, water, water. nothing until about 1pm today.
soup. french bread. this is so repetitive. cheese and salami sandwich. flapjack. baked beans. two cuppa soup. country slice. cereal bars. aaargh.
my nose is caving in.

the last time i posted was wednesday. i KNOW i binged and purged more that evening. like two or three times. wednesday was a shit day.
thursday iiiii...ate...two packs of soft mints and two mini chocolate bars and i purged. then i ate some skittles, potato dog, quavers, tracker bar, sausage roll, chips, wispa and pack of worchester lays at college. iunno why ): i purged in the subways loos and ellie comments i was gone ages. taaaa. i had a fucked up dream last night. anyways, then we came back here, i had a cup of tea and got tozzled of some vodka. then ate those cable things. then i walked around shopping for ages. then ate a salad bar from pizza hut, but i tired t keep it healthy. that was at like 6ish? then i had nothing until about 8 when i ate a mini pack of quavers and a few salt and vinegar crisps. and a lollipop. and two stella. and i walked to the pub to meet kids. and then i took some k and stumbled home. literally so embarrasing to walk wobbly when you're semi coherent and you care.
i woke up yesterday and found it DAM easy to purge. three eggs scrambled with toast, a cereal bar and some french bread. purge. go to sainsburys. a pack of crisps a cooke, two fried eggs, piece of toast, baked beans, two hash browns, mushrooms (: and a chai tea latte. purged when i got home. then noodles, two jumbo packs of crisps, olives, homus, cereal bars, country slices. PUIRGE. sprinted to town at about midday before i could sit down and have lunch. then in town i...forgot about food, aaah the joys of ketamine. and then had a grande caramel light at about 4pm. then half a wispa. then a pack of snack-a-jacks. i purged that all up and went to work. at work i ate a few cheesy bites and loads of olives. two profiteroles and some cookie dough nibbles. i half purged it. the way home was the worst though. sausage and chips, salad bar, potato wedges and chicken, chicken wrap, soup, french bread, olives, chocolate, cereal bars, soup again. the first purge was really easy, the second i got panicky. i did a rough line of k and went to sleep. today i have the most bloated tummy i've seen in a while ): greeeeeeen tea. i'm quite up for staying off the lax for as long as possible.
i decided to try not eating again last night. but i've just had a cup of tea, cup of green tea, some moam and a piece of chocolate. so much for not eating, but so little for not bingeing (:

awoke. "not going to college".
keep having blood flecks in my mucus. crappity.
two crumpets. two pieces of toast. baked beans. apple. lemon slices. nectarine. soup. pitta x2. salami. another crumpet. another pitta. two more pitta with cheese. mince pie with yogurt. i don't even want to know what else. baguette.
then i tried. sort of hard. to not binge after that purge.
but then the tenner was just too tempting. and i took £3 also. i went and bought a microwave burger, two packs of pork scratchings, a french stick, two chocolate muffins (which are awful to purge, i've remembered), a coconut slice, chicken sweetcorn baguette, wispa, kit kat chunky, kit kat chunky with peanut butter, maple plait, cinnamon danish, carrot and orange cake, and then i heated up some mushroom soup. plus a cupa soup. plus more pitta, two slices of marmite toast, one cheese and ham toastie, one cheese toastie, bowl of cornflakes with petit filou, country slice. i did purge about three times throughout.
oh god.
i'm going to be so fat. i can't stop jiggling my leg. it's like i'm really nervous. really nervous about christmas, about everything. i don't know how to handle anything anymoreee ):

college, againnnnn. i think it's when i have money in the bank. hot chocolate and a muffin and two packets of crisps and some chocolate coins. then at least i didn't do it again until after lunch. then i had a sausage roll, choc chip muffin, footlong stuffing chicken and gravy subway and a chocolate croissant. bleeeeeeeeeeeeeergh. such a gross purge. i couldn't even finish a cappacino at lunch, but then i could binge so quickly and easily. then on the way home i had mini snickers x2, mini bounty and 2 quality street, then half a pack of pringle rice infusions, pack of lovehearts and skittles. then two crumpets, two cereal bars, cup of tea, some leftovers from dinner last night, which i threw up with all my might. then i bashed the hugest line of k i've done in a while. and practically collapsed again in town. and somehow ordered a vanilla cappacino? vanilla latte? and ate some shortbread. and puked. bleeeeurgh. then on the way home i got sausage and chips, burger and chicken doner wrap. and then at home at leftover risotto and stir fry and pitta. cereal bars and mince pies and suprenoodles and more pitta and the rest of the rice infusions, crumpets and then a bowl of cereal with yogurt and banana. several purges along the way but i swear the majority of that digested.
ew.
yesterday was actually a really bad day.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
f is fo rfuck.
and f is for faaaaaaast and f is for foood and f is for faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatl.
Today i was scared, i supppose, i drank water until 11.30, then i just....
GOT FAT
on liiiiike. oh dear,
go ahead bar, lovehearts, skittles. i don't know what posessed me to binge. i am going to be so horrendously fat tomorrrow ):
i ate a slice of cake. a pack of crisps, a chicken sweetcorn baguette, an onion bargie, a sausage, curly fries, a cinnamon whirl and a cheese and onion pasty.
fucking hate purging at college. is it really all about control?
ugh.
then i just,
pushed,
myself to get fatter.
fuck,
fuuuck.
i ate a chocolate digestive, a pack of soft mints, a mini snickers and a  mini malteser bar.
i kept them down.
think rationally katherine.
can't/don't/shan't.
then 10 sweet cables. then...
nothing. untill i binged at home. lovehearts, chicken mayo baguette, croissant, risotto, pitta, cheeese, 6 scones, 12 pack crisps, 18 penguin bars, maple peacan plait, two packs of pork scratchings, carrot cake slices x 6. three special k bars. milk. tea. coffee.
bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeergh. puuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurge.
you are so going to be fat tomorrow you fucking disgusting cunt. ew. yuckity yuck fuck.

then i binged on dinner. mushroom and cheese ommlette, four sausages and ratatouille, then an apple and probably something sweet. then pitta, crumpets, cheese toasties? probably more that i've just forgotten. fucking purge purge puke vomit chunder hurl.
then it got to after the k. i was so bored. i just...ate...a pack of custard creams, two honey sandwiches, two cheese toasties, pitta with cheese and salami x4. blatantly more, and more.
today i didn't do it until about midday. big woop. a crumpet and two cereal bars, two pitta with cheese and salami, two bowls of cereal and four petit filou. majority purged. half a french stick, tuna and cheese and olives with tomato soup for lunch. plus a cereal bar, an apple, lemon slices, two scones, cupa soup and a pack of cream crackers.
purge.
purge.
you'll get fat.
er.
fatter.
fattest you've ever been in your life.